Reflection

Okay, I’ma little under the influence right now, so I’m not going to promise anything or act like things are going to change overnight.

My plan with this, the plan I started in August failed EPICALLY, all because of me. Because I’m a procrastinator, because I get bored easily, because of a lot of things, but it was all because of me. I want to say I’m at least ten pounds heavier than I was when I started. And that’s definitely not where I want to be.

So…like I said, don’t hold me to much that I say when I’m drunk, but I want 2012 to be better. I want to follow through on the things I say I’ll do. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel like there’s a point to me dressing up on the occasions that I have to do so. I want to feel like my husband’s got something worth coming home to. Because right now? I don’t feel any of those things. I want to be healthy for my son, my kids, and the kids that I might have coming in my future, and right now, I don’t think I am. I danced to one song with an energetic two-year-old and was winded by the end. I didn’t used to be that way. I used to be able to dance for hours.

I want my husband to want to dance with me. I couldn’t get him to tonight, and part of me has to wonder, even if most of me knows that he doesn’t care, if maybe he’d be more into it if I were thinner, prettier.

I’ve never felt like I was good enough…so I want to end 2012 thinking that I am. Thinking that I’m as awesome as everyone tells me I am.

I’ll post again when I’m not so not myself…something more coherant. Til then? Happy new year, kids. Love ya.

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Bad Habits are Hard to Break

I really didn’t think I’d have to be writing this post this soon. I knew it was going to come eventually – I’m a massive procrastinator – but I figured I’d have at least a month or so. Nope.

All I have to lay at the feet of it is that I have really bad habits, that I’ve had for a long, long time. Pushing past them is harder than I thought. I’d figured once I got into the hang of it, it would be easy to keep going…then school started, and people here started getting sick, and…everything else just sort of fell down the cracks.

I will say that I -have- been making a conscious effort to eat better or, at least, not eat as much during meals. Sometimes it’s worked, sometimes it hasn’t. But Crissy and I went grocery shopping the other day, and not only did we make an effort to get good, healthy things – we didn’t break down and buy any junk food, ice cream, or soda. That’s right, my refrigerator is purposely soda free for the first time in…gosh…YEARS. I’ve got a couple of bottles sitting outside the fridge, but they were there before we went shopping, and I’m basically using them as a trick that a friend taught me – have them there, so I know I can have some if I want it, but I know that I don’t HAVE to. It’s not forbidden. It’s not a matter of not having any. It’s just making the conscious choice to have something else instead.

So Brian’s tax refund from his amendment came in finally. We got rent paid with it, put money on a bill or two, bought a new fan for the bathroom, lamp for the living room, and a lamp for Crissy’s room, paid for our marriage retreat in October…and I got Just Dance 2 and EA Sports Active 2. So, as soon as I get my regime started again, those will be added. This is what I think my plan will be:

Sunday: Rest Day
Monday: WiiFit Body Test and Yoga, EA Sports Active Workout Plan
Tuesday: WiiFit Body Test and Yoga, Just Dance’s Just Sweat
Wednesday: WiiFit Body Test, Yoga, and Balance Games
Thursday: WiiFit Body Test and Yoga, EA Sports Active Workout Plan
Friday: WiiFit Body Test and Yoga, Just Dance’s Just Sweat
Saturday: WiiFit Body Test and Yoga

I think one of my biggest problems is finding the time. I don’t have the discipline to get up early in the morning and do it – I know it would be best if I did, because I’d be invigorated for the day and ready to go. As yet, though, I find it hard to get to bed before 1am, and I enjoy sleep. Once I do get up, the kids are minutes away from going to school, and Josh won’t leave me alone for five minutes, let alone the hour I want to devote to a workout. Once the kids get home from school, they have chores and homework – and they take FOREVER doing these things. Oftentimes, they’re still doing them when Brian gets home, which usually isn’t until 7 or 8 in the evening. He gets home, and I don’t want to bother him to watch Josh so I can do my workout when all he wants to do is sit down and relax and watch some TV. You’re not supposed to workout right before bed, because that can mess up your sleep.

Obviously, the best time for me to do it would be sometime early morning, before Josh wakes up, so I can have ‘me’ time without being bothered by everyone else. But…God, I’m not a morning person. At all.

I suppose, though…doing this -has- to be about self-discipline. So I have to find it somewhere.

Bad Llama

So I was bad today. I didn’t work out. I didn’t really eat badly, but I had two helpings of dinner, which I probably shouldn’t have. My excuse? Josh was being fussy enough pretty much all day that it sucked all my energy. It’s true.

In other news…we went to our doctor appointments today, and for me, it’s official. According to some stuff that I’ve read, we should wait 60 to 90 days before actively beginning trying to conceive, so we’re looking at the beginning of November, depending on how I’m feeling, so that we can work on preparing my body for pregnancy.

So, since I was bad, and didn’t do anything really productive, this is going to be an extremely short post. I’ve been bad, bad llama. *slaps self*

Get on me!