Reflection

Okay, I’ma little under the influence right now, so I’m not going to promise anything or act like things are going to change overnight.

My plan with this, the plan I started in August failed EPICALLY, all because of me. Because I’m a procrastinator, because I get bored easily, because of a lot of things, but it was all because of me. I want to say I’m at least ten pounds heavier than I was when I started. And that’s definitely not where I want to be.

So…like I said, don’t hold me to much that I say when I’m drunk, but I want 2012 to be better. I want to follow through on the things I say I’ll do. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel like there’s a point to me dressing up on the occasions that I have to do so. I want to feel like my husband’s got something worth coming home to. Because right now? I don’t feel any of those things. I want to be healthy for my son, my kids, and the kids that I might have coming in my future, and right now, I don’t think I am. I danced to one song with an energetic two-year-old and was winded by the end. I didn’t used to be that way. I used to be able to dance for hours.

I want my husband to want to dance with me. I couldn’t get him to tonight, and part of me has to wonder, even if most of me knows that he doesn’t care, if maybe he’d be more into it if I were thinner, prettier.

I’ve never felt like I was good enough…so I want to end 2012 thinking that I am. Thinking that I’m as awesome as everyone tells me I am.

I’ll post again when I’m not so not myself…something more coherant. Til then? Happy new year, kids. Love ya.

A Noted Absence

No, not an absence of mine. But something I noticed that was lacking here.

My first few posts have just been, basically, a journal. I could do that easily enough with a diary, if that was the only thing that mattered. It’s been nice to get comments, but…there’s nothing to really hold any sort of accountability for me.

So what do I need? I need a goal. I need something to count down to. I need incentives. I need motivation, visible, tangible motivation that will help shove me along my way.

Now, here’s my problem. I’ve had motivation and incentives before, but they never seemed to work. I’ve readily acknowledged to myself that I don’t do well by myself. I don’t like thinking too much – not that I don’t like thinking in general, I mean that I tend to -think- too much, overthink things, make myself paranoid and jump to conclusions that wouldn’t have even been possible before. I do this when I’m alone, so…I hate being alone. When I was in the Army – have I mentioned that? I was…I was an intelligence analyst for 6 years, loved my job, hated the people in the Army, and now I can’t use any of my @&#$ skills in the outside world because I don’t have a college degree, but I digress – I had plenty of incentive to exercise more, to lose weight – you can’t get promoted or go to schools without being able to pass your PT test and have the appropriate weight – and yet, I never seemed to be able to push myself to do anything. Half the problem was that I didn’t have anyone to do it with that could do it right. I couldn’t work out with my then-fiance, because he was a freaking PT guru, and couldn’t work himself down at the level that I needed to be at. My sergeants were pains, trying to use trauma and whatnot to push me, when all it did was depress me. I couldn’t really count on any of my friends to help. So…there I was, alone.

I’m not really alone now. I’ve got Crissy here, and she knows what she wants to do, both to lose weight and help her health out. I’ve got Brian who will motivate me the right way, even if he might not actually do my exercise stuff with me…he’ll still support whatever I want to do. I’ve got friends all over battling the same issues, with either similar or different desires for the endgame, who will push me where needed. Lastly, I’ve got this accountability thing. Somewhere that I can see it, all in black and white, and feel good when I’ve worked toward it, and ashamed when I haven’t.

So I think my plan from here on out is to post here at least twice a day – once in the beginning of the day, about hopes and fears and dreams and wants and secrets. Maybe I’ll eventually find something that I can post every day – like some sort of quoting thing, or survey, meme…something, anything. Writer’s block exercises. Stuff that I’ve tried that I like. Stuff I don’t like. Something. Then, the second will come at the end of the day, after I have (as I should) done my workout, and the day is nearing its close. My WiiFit has me do a body test every day…so I may post what comes from that every day. If that gets a little too depressing, I’ll change it to weekly.

So – this post doesn’t have my actual goal…just my recognition of a need for a one. All in good time, my pretties.

Beautiful, beautiful

Eventful day today. Took the kids down for the last day of Wacky Wednesday (they go school next week! I can’t wait!), and since they had a lot of help down there, I figured I’d let them run around without having to worry about me at their shoulder and have fun. So I got Josh bathed, all that jazz…then once I went to pick them up and walk them down to Ron and Erin’s, Crissy, Josh and I were off to the doc’s.

So this was a new doctor – basically sort of a test-run to see if we’d want her to be our family doctor. She was really nice – very attentive, kind, and detailed, which I like to see. Poor Josh, though, is traumatized. We got his shots done last week, and pretty much…now I think he has a fear of people in scrubs. Or something. All I know is he wouldn’t let the poor nurse touch him, screamed the entire time we were getting his height and weight done – and that was all we were doing! – and clung to me like I was his lifeline. My poor little tot.

As far as my checkup – well, I’m overweight, but we knew that already. But my blood pressure was normal (which had been a little worry for me, after being induced for hypertension with Josh). We did, however, talk about my sinus issues. She checked my ears, nose, and throat, acknowledging, like all doctors, how GINORMOUS my tonsils are. She said that my nose was tight and swollen, and that it was obvious that I was stuffed up, by my voice. So she prescribed me this steroid nasal spray which, she says should help me once winter comes along and tries to make me miserable. I have hope!

She also prescribed me prenatals to start taking, and I’m officially getting my IUD out on Monday. She didn’t have the right equipment there today – which is fine, I know she’s setting up a new office and is getting a lot of stuff moved in and done. Crissy’s going in on the same day to have a well-check done, as well as get the doctor set up as her own so that she can get her prescriptions refilled when necessary.

We went grocery shopping after that, picked up some more dietary stuff for us as well as something for dinner. Got my prescriptions filled, headed home, and settled down for a little bit, doing my facebook games, a little talking, all that jazz. Then, I decided – it was time. Got the WiiFit out, had Ian and Caitlyn handle Josh, and decided on the routines I was going to do. The doctor recommended, both for my weight and for baby-prep, I do half an hour a day. The longest pre-set routines that I can put together at any one time are approximately 21 minutes, so I did one of the three-at-a-time, then one, and then I ended with the Warrior pose to stretch out and cool down after. My routines were, first, the Health set, which are titled Tummy, Overindulged, and Leaner You…I think. Then I did the Mind and Body routine out of the Lifestyle section (I think). Total time? 35 minutes. Not bad, eh?

So I actually feel rather good right now. Crissy had dinner ready literally as soon as I finished my Warrior pose, and it was rather nummy – alfredo pasta with chicken, and garlic bread.

The Scio Fall Festival started tonight…I don’t know if we’re going to go down, but I think we might tomorrow. If we do, and we walk…the WiiFit probably won’t happen. Anyone who’s seen our hill will understand why.

Second Verse, Same as the First

Well, not really. But it entered my head, so, I figured…second post, might as well.

Two posts in one day! Does this bode well? It might. Have I mentioned that I’m both a procrastinator and absentminded? I don’t know how many projects like this that I’ve started and abandoned because I just…forget about them. But, I just spent the last several hours making this pretty and getting it to work and adding blogs to my links…eventually, I’ll have to branch out and find new ones, but for now, it’s just the ones that I already knew of.

So Crissy [the roommate] and I were sent to the store earlier with the task of getting dinner, since Brian forgot he was supposed to pick food up on the way home. Of course, sending two girls to the store when they’re hungry is never a good idea, but we didn’t do too bad. We’ve been on the kick all day of trying to get a good diet started, and getting healthy, so instead of stocking up on junk food, we picked up some fiber-rich cereal, no-sugar-added oatmeal, some more smoothie mix, bananas, strawberries, and breakfast drink mix. We like to think that we’re decently on our way. The next plan is to actually get to town (since our local grocery doesn’t have a -great- selection) and get some more daily food items, as well as plan out good, healthy meals. We were spending so much time finding good-for-you stuff that we were brainless when it came to something for dinner. So I settled for a few cans of steak-and-potato soup for Brian and I, she got a sandwich, we got a little chicken dinner for Josh, and the kids had ravioli. Maybe not the best we could have done, but it worked well enough.

Tomorrow: the last day of Wacky Wednesday, my doctor’s appointment, and the first day of the Scio Fall Festival. Should prove interesting.