A Noted Absence

No, not an absence of mine. But something I noticed that was lacking here.

My first few posts have just been, basically, a journal. I could do that easily enough with a diary, if that was the only thing that mattered. It’s been nice to get comments, but…there’s nothing to really hold any sort of accountability for me.

So what do I need? I need a goal. I need something to count down to. I need incentives. I need motivation, visible, tangible motivation that will help shove me along my way.

Now, here’s my problem. I’ve had motivation and incentives before, but they never seemed to work. I’ve readily acknowledged to myself that I don’t do well by myself. I don’t like thinking too much – not that I don’t like thinking in general, I mean that I tend to -think- too much, overthink things, make myself paranoid and jump to conclusions that wouldn’t have even been possible before. I do this when I’m alone, so…I hate being alone. When I was in the Army – have I mentioned that? I was…I was an intelligence analyst for 6 years, loved my job, hated the people in the Army, and now I can’t use any of my @&#$ skills in the outside world because I don’t have a college degree, but I digress – I had plenty of incentive to exercise more, to lose weight – you can’t get promoted or go to schools without being able to pass your PT test and have the appropriate weight – and yet, I never seemed to be able to push myself to do anything. Half the problem was that I didn’t have anyone to do it with that could do it right. I couldn’t work out with my then-fiance, because he was a freaking PT guru, and couldn’t work himself down at the level that I needed to be at. My sergeants were pains, trying to use trauma and whatnot to push me, when all it did was depress me. I couldn’t really count on any of my friends to help. So…there I was, alone.

I’m not really alone now. I’ve got Crissy here, and she knows what she wants to do, both to lose weight and help her health out. I’ve got Brian who will motivate me the right way, even if he might not actually do my exercise stuff with me…he’ll still support whatever I want to do. I’ve got friends all over battling the same issues, with either similar or different desires for the endgame, who will push me where needed. Lastly, I’ve got this accountability thing. Somewhere that I can see it, all in black and white, and feel good when I’ve worked toward it, and ashamed when I haven’t.

So I think my plan from here on out is to post here at least twice a day – once in the beginning of the day, about hopes and fears and dreams and wants and secrets. Maybe I’ll eventually find something that I can post every day – like some sort of quoting thing, or survey, meme…something, anything. Writer’s block exercises. Stuff that I’ve tried that I like. Stuff I don’t like. Something. Then, the second will come at the end of the day, after I have (as I should) done my workout, and the day is nearing its close. My WiiFit has me do a body test every day…so I may post what comes from that every day. If that gets a little too depressing, I’ll change it to weekly.

So – this post doesn’t have my actual goal…just my recognition of a need for a one. All in good time, my pretties.